Archive for the ‘The Lighter Side’ Category

More Funny Words

Perhaps because it’s summertime so I am bored or perhaps because I am finding some more time to read; whatever the reason, I have words on my mind. So I have decided to release a second edition of Funny Words That I Love….hope there are some here you enjoy as well, or maybe you’ve never heard before and you can start using them too!

Impervious -incapable of being influenced, persuaded, or affected. That’s right, when they are fighting, my children are “impervious” to the sound of my voice shouting at them to stop!

Lascivious – inclined to lustfulness; wanton; lewd. It sounds so bad, perhaps people would be less inclined to behave Lasciviouosly if we used that word more often.

Chortle – to chuckle gleefully. You can almost envision the laughing person actually snorting from the pure glee.

Quixotic – extravagantly chivalrous or romantic; visionary, impractical, or impracticable. Visions of Don Quixote dancing in my head!

Guffaw – to laugh loudly and boisterously. This word just makes me want to burst out laughing just so I can use it, why don’t we use “guffaw” any more??

Cacophony -a discordant and meaningless mixture of sounds:  eg. “the cacophony produced by city traffic at midday.” I like using this word, it sounds so much more dramatic than “lots of noise”

Superfluous – being more than is sufficient or required; excessive. As in, any more “letter u’s” in this word would simply be “superfluous”.

Eviscerate – to remove the entrails from; Yep, exactly what it sounds like!

Obstreperous -resisting control or restraint in a difficult manner; unruly, boisterous, clamorous, as in opstreperous children. I happen to be an expert in dealing with obstreperous behaviour.

Steatopygia – extreme accumulation of fat on and about the buttocks, esp. of women. Honestly, this is a real condition…of course I don’t know what it looks like or anything, you’ll have to look it up.

Loquacious – talking or tending to talk too much or freely; talkative. I have no idea what THIS word means. Really.

 

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I Must Confess…

They say that confession is good for the soul. I don’t know who “they” are, and I am sure that is rooted in the scriptures that tell us to confess our sins to God. However in this post I am seeking to simply “confess” some trivial matters, perhaps you even find yourself doing the same things…then I won’t feel so silly!

I buy Sugarfree freezies…shhhhhh! Don’t tell the neighbourhood kids, most of them have no idea that what they eat at my house (and enjoy) are actually sugarless freezies…tee hee hee!

I dream that one day my home will have a main floor laundry room. I know it seems silly and I really don’t want it just to avoid the stairs (although that would be nice too) but the problem is actually that I forget to switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer, almost every time I do a load. So I confess, that sometimes I just add some soap and put the wash cycle through again. Of course, sometimes the clothes make it to the dryer but they don’t get pulled out and folded quick enough before getting wrinkled. So I will also confess that I will throw in a wet sock and dry them again, that usually gets rid of most of the wrinkles. I can’t stand ironing.

I add the last little bit of a nearly empty bottle of salad dressing to the next full bottle. Don’t worry though, we go through the ranch dressing like crazy so it doesn’t ever go bad, but I’m telling you I get tired of the bottles multiplying in the door of my fridge.

I still water down the juice my kids drink. And sometimes I even water down the juice I serve other kids in my home or elsewhere. There I said it. So sue me, I just think that the kids today have way too much sugar on a daily basis, and if they get a little bit more water in every glass, what’s the harm?

I use Jello No-Bake Cheesecake mix. Most people can’t tell the difference and I find that the no-bake mix tastes really nice and yet a little less heavy. Besides, the lighter it is, the more you can eat without feeling guilty!

I wonder sometimes if anyone else gets tired of finding tupperware containers in the back of the fridge with old leftovers? I can’t tell you how much I hate it when I just finish washing a load of dishes, only to find that my hubby has decided to de-clutter the fridge by dumping out all the leftovers and tossing the stinky dirty containers in the sink for me to wash. I confess, on my own, I often just leave the stuff in the fridge until I have the energy to wash them. I mean, at least in the fridge they won’t get yuckier, right?

I love taking the children to Canada’s Wonderland, Marineland, African Lion Safari or any other amusement park. I don’t know if it’s just the pure joy of watching how much the enjoy it, and sharing that experience with them or if deep down, I take them because I enjoy it. Either way the kids get to spend a fun day at the park and I love it, it’s a win-win! 

So one of my family’s favourite veggies is broccoli, especially with cheese sauce..mmmm. But I have to confess that I use cheese sauce mix from a package. My mom always made it from grated cheese and cream, but I never have much luck getting it to the same creamy consistency, and it takes a long time so I just use a mix. Well, as long as I’m at it, I might as well just admit that I use packaged gravy too.

Sometimes when the milk jug is almost done and I pick it up for a drink, I just drink it straight from the jug! I know, it’s so ghetto and unladylike, but the truth is, why should I have to wash another glass just to finish off the end of the bag of milk?

One of my favourite playdate activities with the children is to visit a local splashpad. I know, that’s not news to anyone who reads my blog, however I must confess the reason I love it so much. I love to let the kids play and run around where I can see them, but without me needing to chase around after  them. After years of holding their hands and helping them up and down on the slide etc. I love to be able to sit and chat with the other mom’s now that they can play unassisted. It’s true and if you still have little ones…don’t lose heart, your day is coming too!

I have something rather embarrassing to confess now, for anyone who has read some of my previous blog posts, this is especially difficult for me to admit. I have of late, found myself laughing at the Spongebob Squarepants television show. I know, it’s beyond hard to believe even for me. But the kids like it and I inevitably find myself in the room within earshot of the silliness, and on more than one occasion I have found myself laughing involuntarily. I am ashamed.

Summer Vacation Essentials

So of course as a stay-at-home-mother of two children, once the final school bell rings at the end of June, my life kicks into high gear. No more leisurely lounging on the sofa eating bon-bons all day watching soap operas. No NOW I actually have to work!! Ha ha that was for all you working folk who think that we SAHM’s do just that all day.

But seriously…summer vacation is in fact, anything BUT a vacation. Vacation from school means that we have to entertain our children all day long; keep them busy but not over stimulated, playing outside but not for too long b/c of the humidex level, spend quality time with them while teaching them to find things to do independently…the task is arduous for even the most hands on mom.

That is why I have compiled a list of things that I found absolutely imperative to have/do during the summer “vacation”…feel free to adopt any or all of my list, or leave a comment sharing you most essential item/activity during July and August.

The “I’m Bored Jar” – fun stuff, chores, homework practice, stuff you hate to do, anything it takes to get them to entertain themselves and not drive you crazy with the words every mom hates to hear “I’m Boredddddddddddd!” (I have to give a shout out to my friend Kristina for this great idea!)

The Air Conditioning – I’m not sure how people live without it, and make no mistake I am unbelievably blessed to have 3 and I try to maintain a spirit of gratitude every day I don’t pass out b/c I am sitting comfortably in my cool home!

The Good Book (or two) – aaahhhh I remember this time last year when I read several novels while away on vacation with hunny….I HAVE to make time to read, even at home with the kidlets. (Also a great thing to do at the splash pad!)

The Sunblock – Because nothing ruins your summer like blistering skin

The Guilty Pleasure – “Big Brother”, “So You Think You Can Dance” and this year’s new addition of episodic silliness,”Bachelor Pad”

The Cottage – I don’t have one, but I’m sure it makes the summer vacation that much better

The Quiet Time – Daily-after-lunch-one-hour-individual-quiet-time, an absolute necessity in our house. It doesn’t have to be every day, but certainly any day we are home and not out and about. They don’t have to sleep, but they do have to be quietly occupying themselves for one hour.

The Sidewalk Chalk and Bubbles – It’s incredible how kids of all ages can find the fun in these to simple and inexpensive toys.

The Half-Price Cinema – This is your chance to cool off, see a newly released movie (usually at half the price) and guaranteed that the kids will stop fighting for at least 90 minutes!

The Lopez Tonight Show – George Lopez doesn’t take a haitus in the summer so the laughs keep coming all season long! (Yeah I know I mention this guy in most of my blog posts, but it REALLY REALLY is the funniest show on tv!)

The Barbeque – Get out of the kitchen and grill dinner as much as possible! I especially love this one, b/c my hubby insists on doing ALL the barbequing, so it’s a win-win!

The Splash Pad – The beauty of most splash pads is that they are free for everyone to use no matter where you live. I have a particular friend who finds it hilarious that we go to other suburbs to find a splash pad where we can while away a sunny afternoon. Well “C”, until they put in a splash pad in my neighbourhood, I think we will continue to make use of them wherever we can. In fact I’ll be at one tomorrow morning, relaxing in my lawn chair with a cup of ice coffee chatting with a friend while the children run around and stay cool!

Random Observations

Sometimes things pop into my head at any given moment and I tell myself to remember that for later to put in a blog posting. Sometimes I actually remember those things and make note of them (whether or not they ever get fleshed out into a full blog post or not is another story) but more often then not I completely forget about them or realize that they are hardly worth writing about and less worth expecting people to take the time to read about. These various random thoughts are what I like to call my, “Random Observations” and I think that I will periodically compile them into a posting of that title. So here is the first installment of my Random Observations, feel free to chime in at any point to agree or disagree.

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Why is it when I walk in front of someone at the grocery store and say “excuse me”, do people say “sorry”? Despite the fact that many people have forgotten to interact with politeness and good manners, it is in fact proper to say “excuse me” when walking in front of someone or blocking their vision. Nowadays, people say “oh sorry” and jump back like you are aggressively reprimanding them….is it so foreign in our day to simply say “excuse me”??

On the flip-side, I often find when I am browsing in a store that other people will push their buggies up towards me without saying a word, as if indicating their desire to pass me. Why can’t THEY say excuse me, so I will understand that they would like me to move aside and let them pass? I’m not a mind reader you know. On that same note, I will often hear the gentle chiding of my hubby to move over because someone behind me wishes to walk past and I am in the way. Why can’t they say “excuse me” so I will know that they are there? Despite what my mother said to me as a child, Mother’s do NOT in fact have eyes on the back of their heads, if you want me to move, you’ll have to break out some form of “excuse me”.

Not sure which is more gross, the clump of hair in the drain (which is inevitably at least 50 percent mine) or the fact that my hubby pulls the gross clump or yucky wet hair out…and then leaves it on the side of the tub…? blech!!!

What is with the four-way stop? Why can’t people just follow the rules? There seems to be this desire for drivers to be either super aggressive or err on the side of too polite. Just follow the rules people! When you are the first to arrive at the intersection, you are the first to proceed, don’t try to out-manner me by letting me go first when I know for a fact that you have the right of way. Because, what happens? I hesitate because I know it’s your turn, then you generously wave me on, but I KNOW it’s your turn so I wait and then I realize what you are doing and I take my foot off the break to go through. Almost simultaneously, you decide that I have ungratiously rejected your benevolence and decide to claim your right of way and…..*SMACK*

I love Toaster Strudels…I mean all that warm creamy cheese and jam nestled inside the flaky pastry smothered in icing…mmm….nuff said.

My dog is neurotic…this point of course won’t matter to anyone else reading this, but it’s my blog and the posting is titled Random Observations, and this is random. So my dog has separation anxiety, he has to be in a cage when we leave the house and he has to be shut into someone’s room at night or he pees on the floor. He sleeps all day, get’s up off of one sofa, stretches, meanders over to the other sofa and flops on it as though the movement has sapped every ounce of his energy. But by far, the most annoying thing about my crazy dog is that he will NOT drink water inside the house. I mean he will walk past a perfectly good bowl of drinking water in the kitchen and bark at the back door until I fill the outside dish. Such a freak.

I find it interesting that people forget that they are modeling behaviour to their little ones every day. Some day we are going to reap the “benefits” of everything we have taught our children both actively and passively. Whether we are talking about speeding on the highway, lying on the phone, aggressive driving, copying DVD’s, dropping the “F’ bomb in conversation, gossiping about our friends or unhealthy eating habits. The truth is eventually we will be faced with a child’s behaviour we are forced to deal with and it will be no ones fault but our own, because we have taught our kids to them their noses at rules or encouraged bad habits that we thought were harmless. Interesting.

There should be a law about marketing adult movies to small children. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care about whatever next twisted movie concept that pops into Tim Burton or M.Night Shamalan’s head, I just don’t think movies should be marketed to children when their content is not appropriate for youngsters of the same age. Case in point, Transformers II (and Transformers I but to a lesser extent) why are they allowed to sell lunch boxes, pencil cases and fruit roll-ups advertising the movie, when the movie content consisted of swearing and gratuitous appearances of Megan Fox’s ta-ta’s. There should be a rule.

I wonder if anyone else finds their teeth MORE gross in the morning when they brushed their teeth before bed? Is it just me? I find that if I fall asleep and forget to brush my teeth, my mouth tastes a whole lot better the next day then wheen I scrub my pearly-whites the previous evening. I know random right?

Notes from the Edge of Reality TV

So last night was the finale of American Idol Season 9 and I was predictably disapppointed in reality television. In the history of American Idol, voters have correctly chosen the best performer only about 50% of the time. Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks and David Cook were deservingly crowned the American Idol. However, the other 4 winners (Ruben, Fantasia, Taylor, Kris) won because they were popular, not because they were the better choice.

However hopefully, as Chris Daughtry, Clay Aiken and Adam Lambert have discovered, Crystal Bowersox will find that it’s easier to spread her career wings without being fettered with the Idol crown.

Since it has been way too long since I actually wrote on my blog, I thought I would share my favourite moments from the finale, for anyone who is interested….

1.William Hung and General Larry Platt singing “Pants on the Ground”…very funny and surprisingly musical.

2.Simon Cowell’s classy goodbye speech, following Paula Abdul’s typically awkward and ditsy-farewell-to-Simon-speech.

3.Excellent performance by the previous Idol Winners (sans David Cook)…Kelly, Ruben, Fantasia, Carrie, Taylor, Jordin and Kris….

4. Bret Micheals singing “Every Rose has it’s thorn”…I have never been a Poison fan, however I like the song and I enjoyed Micheals on this latest installment of the Celebrity Apprentice, which he won. Despite having heard horrible things about his character and behaviour on his Rock of Love reality show, I actually liked him on the Apprentice. Considering his recent brush with death, seeing him performing onstage with Casey was very uplifting.

5. Alanis Morisette, Chicago and The Bee Gees, I love these artists. It was nice to see some talent in the midst of some really strange artists, namely Alice Cooper, Hall & Oates and Janet Jackson.

6. Dane Cook’s salute to Simon Cowell, “You have the honesty of Abe Lincoln and the charm of the guy who shot him!”

7. Crystal Bowersox performing “Black Velevet”, I know it was technically the penultimate episode, rather than the final episode; but I’m including it in this list, b/c it was the performance part of the finale on Tuesday night, and I have waited a long time to hear someone on that show sing that song well.

8. Kris Allen performed a great song, although he was definitely NOT better than Adam Lambert last season, perhaps he has enough talent to keep my interest for a little while….time will tell.

9. Clips from the last 7 seasons of the show. It was fun to see Simon’s hair change and t-shirts get tighter, not to mention getting to see all the terrible contestants freak out at Simon again. And of course no video reel on AI would be complete without a chance to revisit some of the more absurd auditions.

10. And my favourite moment of the Season 9 Finale??? The Fox Network cutting Lee Dewyze’s winning performance of “Beautiful Day” in order to move on to CSI:New York because, let’s face it…he didn’t deserve to win and….frankly….nobody wants to hear him sing anyways….

Literally Speaking…

“I’m going to run out and start the car, just watch your sister and I’ll be right back.” Simply enough instruction right? I guess, unless you are a very literal 4 year old. I came back in the house in time to see my 1year old baby more than half way up the stairs to the second floor. “What is going on, I thought I asked you to watch her?” I said. The answer? “But Mommy, I AM watching her…I’m watching her go up the stairs!”

“Take the toys downstairs” I feel like this one is self explanatory, how could a child not understand this instruction? We have a huge play area in the basement filled with toys, books and puzzles etc . And yet as I just tripped on the pile of Polly Pockets at the bottom of the stairs and lay face up on the cement floor with a basket of dirty laundry underneath my back, I realize that my littlest child has taken my instruction literally and has left her toys “downstairs”…right at the bottom of those stairs!

“Get rid of the stuff in the living room” Now when I say “get rid of” of course that is Mom-Speak for, put the toys in the toy box, garbage in the garbage can, shoes at the front door, pillows on the couch and dishes in the sink. However what I end up getting is toys and books stuffed behind the lazy boy in the living room and all dishes and paper garbage shoved behind the basement door!

“Hurry up or I’m going to leave you in the car!”  This one usd to be an effective threat to achieve compliance from defiant children. Unfortunately the last time I pulled this threat out I was surprised at his response, “Ok, that’s better, I didn’t want to go into the store anyways!” Oops. Now what?

“Yes you can taste the cookies, just don’t eat the whole bag.” I figured that my daughter was smart enough to catch the sarcasm in my voice. Unfortunately, I quickly realized that perhaps my sarcasm is lost on the children when I found the nearly empty bag and heard “What’s wrong Mommy? There’s still ONE left!”

We’re leaving in a minute“. My little ones will chomp at the bit, driving me crazy if I tell them we are going to the park and we’ll be leaving in a minute. My husband also has trouble not taking this one literally. When I say that we are leaving in a minute of course I mean that we will be leaving sometime in the next 20-30 minutes. After I get my purse, get my jacket on, my shoes on, put the dog in the cage, pack a snack, check my blood sugar, make a coffee-to-go, find my keys, answer one last email, get the children pottied, dressed and in the car.

Of course the most famous of which is, “stop touching your sister!”…I’m not touching her! *with finger pointed 1 cm from her face*…well at least they are listening…literally.

Phrases I could do without

Since the dawn of texting and instant messaging, there has been a steady decline in the english language. Personally I find it difficult to text in short form, resulting in really long messages, requiring much scrolling down. However, I find the use of the following phrases to be a bigger crime against language. Here are some of my favourite phrases in popular use today.

What can I do YOU for? This is just bad grammar.

If it’s not one thing it’s another…ok thanks for the clarification. Just to be clear, if it’s not ONE thing, then it’s ANOTHER thing…oh ok.

I could care less…the goal in using this phrase is to prove that you don’t care. However on deeper examination, it becomes clear that if you could care LESS, then that means you care more now than you possibly could. So you actually do care. Maybe try a different phrase to articulate your lack of interest.

Talk AT you later…sorry but this phrase is just abrasive and rude. No one likes to hear this, I mean really, who likes to be talked AT??

From the Get-Go…where exactly is the get-go anyways?

Sorry but…this is usually followed by something that the speaker is actually not really sorry about. We throw the word “sorry” around so much, it barely has any meaning anymore.

Same difference…so is it the same? or different? These two words are by definition opposites so which is it?

Guesstimate…the words guess and estimate are close in meaning, so it’s a little redundant to combine them. On the other hand since the word guess implies that there was no proof, and estimate implies that the opinion was based on some evidence. I think someone decided to turn “guess” into ‘guesstimate’ in order to bolster their claim about something.

It’s always in the last place you look…of course it was in the LAST place I looked, once I find it, it’s just silly to keep checking in other places isn’t it?

Money is the root of all evil…This is probably the most often misquoted scripture. Paul’s first letter to Timothy actually reads, “For the love of money is the root of all evil” (1 Tim 6:10). Come on people, check your source.

I have half a mind to….half a mind? Really? I wonder how much you would accomplish if you set forth with your entire mind.

24/7…the Ricki Lake show is long gone, why are we still saying this?

No offense but…starting a comment with this does not immunize you from any guilt resulting from the words you are about to say. The fact that you have already determined that the listener may be offended means that perhaps you should rethink them entirely.

I’m not going to lie…why preface a comment with this. Shouldn’t telling the truth be standard?

I gave 110%…that’s just a mathematical impossibility…stop exaggerating.

Literally…this word means “actually; without exaggeration or inaccuracy” …so people who use it to say things like “I ate until I literally exploded!” kind of irritate me.

Let’s git ‘er done…unless you’re Larry the Cable Guy, please don’t say this. Ever.

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