If She Were Here…

It’s coming around to the first anniversary of my Mother’s death and it brings to mind again, just how much I miss her. I know in my heart that she is resting at her Saviour’s feet, exactly where she wants to be.  And my rational self knows that she really doesn’t wish to be here, or miss us, or even know what’s going on in my life. The truth is she is with the Lord and that is more amazing than anything going on in her beloved family, that’s not an indication of how much she loved me or how much she cherished my children, it’s just the reality of eternity with her Creator. It’s the way He designed it. And although it hurts me, I’m happy for her, because I am convinced that she is beyond happy where she is and I can’t wait to join her someday.

But in the meantime, I am here, missing my Mom.  So I got to thinking about all the things I wish she knew (in my selfish state) all the things she would love to see and hear if she were still here with me. So I made a list. It’s a little silly, I know, but I made it nonetheless.

If my Mom were here, she would know…

1. How much I love her, despite the rocky relationship we had, despite the arguments and bickering. Despite the difficulties and misunderstandings, and despite the sometimes hurtful words and actions between us, I love her very much and I always have. If she were here, she would know that.

2. How well my Dad is doing.  She always worried about him, his health, his sleep, his getting enough to eat. He is doing well, he is the strongest man I know and he is the rock of our family, as I realize he has always been. If she were here, she would be so proud of him and be so pleased to see him doing so well.

3. How much my children miss her and talk about her on a regular basis. Sometimes it’s just things like “remember when Nannie jumped on the trampoline with us“, but sometimes it’s remembering that she always said she loved them more than the stars in the sky. Or when they pick up something she made for them (like one of G’s blankies) tearfully say “I miss Nannie so much!”.  If she were here, she would know how much I both love and hate those moments.

4. That I always use the things she taught me. She would be so proud of the first turkey I made on my own last thanksgiving and proud to know that I always get compliments when I cook  spaghetti and lasagna the way she taught me.  I love to read and I learned that from her, and I try every day to teach my children to love books as well.

5. How much my daughter LOVES dogs. I think that this would be one of the things she would cherish the most. There’s is no one alive today (except maybe my friend Punky) who loves dogs as much as my little Princess. My Mom always said that one of my children would love dogs as much as her and she was right, I pity the man she will eventually marry and just hope that he is as patient as my dad. (and I hope he buys a big property!) On a related note, if my mother were here she would see (and take a perverse joy in knowing) that the dog we inherited upon her passing, has become the proverbial “thorn” in my husbands “flesh”. Bailey regularly sneaks onto our bed and squeezes my hubby to the edge of the bed by stretching out and kicking him in the back. He also manages to jump up into the warm spot barely vacated by my husband in record time, resting his big floppy ears on hubby’s pillow before the bedroom door is closed. If she were here, my mother would know this…and I dare say delight in that knowledge!

6. That my hubby misses her…a lot. Truth be told, it often surprises me just how much he misses his “Suegra”. I always knew how well they got along, I distinctly remember a discussion about the fact that no matter what happened, if we ever split up, they would be taking him over me! But I didn’t realize just how much he loved her until this last year. If she were still here she would know that he thinks about her on a regular basis and is often short of breath when he remembers that she is actually gone.

7. How great my children are doing. My mother loved the kids so much and tried so hard to be a better Nannie than she was a mother, it’s one of the great tragedies of her passing so young.  But if she were here she would see that J is excelling at tae kwon do and has achieved his green belt already. She would have seen him score 3 goals in the last 4 soccer games and would have proudly sat on an uncomfortable lawn chair in the rain cheering for each goal.  If she were here she would also see that G is growing quickly into a beautiful little lady, despite her aversion to underclothes.  She would know that my Princess’s ha ir has grown almost to her bum and she has finally agreed to let Mommy brush it! She would also know that despite proclamations of being “a big girl now” my baby girl still goes to sleep every night with her “tutto” lovingly gifted to her by her Nannie.  If she were here, my mother would also find it interesting that G was recently caught in the basement sifting through a box of her Nannies clothes, picking each one up one by one and smelling them deeply before trying them on. When asked what she was doing G replied, “I’m sniffing them because they smell like Nannie“. 

I could probably go on for pages describing the things that I wish my Mom could see or hear, but my hubby has already come to check on me as I sit weeping and typing on the computer.  I don’t want him to worry so I will close for now with the knowledge that, were my mother able to come back and see us right now, I think she would be happy to know that we are all doing pretty well, but we all miss her more than she would ever believed possible.

I think that both of those things would give her great joy, if she were here.

8 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by lolasaldia on February 2, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    Sylvia, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have been through something similar although I believe that everyone’s grief is different regardless, so I don’t profess to “know what you’re going through”. I found losing my Mom to be a terrible shock and blow, but the Lord has helped me deal with some of the pain. I found writing this particular blog posting (and others like it) to be cathartic. There is a lot of healing that comes from putting into words the pain you are experiencing, even if no one else reads or understands it. I would encourage you when you are ready to write a similar list of things you would love your Mother to know about you, your family and your life now. Email me anytime, God Bless!


  2. I started to read your posting, but I had to stop. I just lost my mom on January 10, 2010 and I can’t believe how much I miss her! Even the simpliest of things like breathing is hard for me to do sometimes. I have marked the post so I can read bits of it at a time.
    Thanks for your post.


  3. Posted by Shelagh Young on September 3, 2009 at 7:11 pm

    We all miss her. God put her on this earth to be my friend. I loved her so. She lifted me up, told me off, and loved me to death. I know this coming weekend will be hard, but I always try to remember Lacey with a smile in my heart. I’m sure she is in heaven bossing God around, and helping him make his decisions, when she is not sitting adoringly at his feet.
    You will be in my prayers this weekend especially. Just remember how much she was loved, and how much she loved you.


  4. Posted by Evelyn on August 27, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    Beautifully written Nicole you made this old duck cry her eyes out yet again. Loves you heaps xxx


  5. Posted by Linsey on August 21, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    As always beautifully written to go from your heart straight to my tearducts. Thank you for sharing this.


  6. Posted by Daddy on August 20, 2009 at 7:34 am

    Well my Princess, you did it again, you made your daddy cry!! That was beautiful. I love you lots!!


  7. Posted by Jackie Lecuyer on August 19, 2009 at 6:25 pm

    I miss her too. Her love, her friendship, her sense of humour and even her advice….these are just a few. God designed her to be my friend. I learned much, laughed often, loved tremendously, then lost one of the greatest gifts God blessed me with but am truly thankful for our time together and look forward to hugging her again. Hang in there sweetie. Love xxoo


  8. Posted by Anita Cook on August 17, 2009 at 2:12 am

    Thank you for sharing your memories and what she would be proud of if she were still here. I too think about my hubby, and I too often think the same thing about our kids and now my grandchildren. He would have been so thankful and would have loved them all so much. I know he missed walking my girls down the aisle when they married their chosen loved one, but I do believe that they can see what is going on with their children on special occasions. And I know that the prayers on earth are daily conversations with our Lord face to face. That is something I am looking forward to. Thanks again for sharing. May this time leading up the the anniversary of your Mom’s passing bring you peace and comfort. Blessings to you and your lovely family.


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