Memory Loss

I recently lost my Mother suddenly, and although I’m told the grief process is long and involved, comes in fits and starts and is unique to each person depending on the nature of their loss, the suppost system, circumstances etc…I am often surprised by the specific things that often shake me to the core.

I realize that aside from the obvious loss of someone I loved dearly, losing my Mother has actually meant losing a little bit of my childhood, there are things that only my Mother knows or can appreciate, certainly things that only she would remember. And pondering these things  often brings me intense sadness.  

No one else remembers every little detail of my childhood like my Mother. First tooth, first step, favourite pureed food, dates of all childhood illnesses, and which bad word I used (and which potty mouth taught it to me!)

No one can remember the name of every single schoolyard bully that picked on me. And exactly what she said to him and his mother to put a stop to it.

No one else in the whole world thinks that my children are as cute as I do, especially when they are naughty and cheeky, only my Mother would tell the world they were absolutely perfect.

No one else will ever want me to sit on their lap and brush my hair.

No one else will ever reminisce about stealing the “Board-Man’s” plank or remember why yelling “CASH!!!” is so funny.

No one else would collect every copy of my first published article she could get her hands on, and send one to everyone she knows, whether they cared or not.

No one else thinks to buy pyjamas and easter basket treats for my kids, b/c that’s what Nannie did.

No one else can remember the trips to Mexico and Cuba, because it was just the two of us.

No one else makes scalloped potatoes like her, no matter how many times I attempt it, they never come out that good.

No one else can pull off the giant white fake fur coat that looks like it was made from 50 pure white teddy bears.

No one else can appreciate how much my daughter loves the dog and can possibly be as pleased by that fact.

No one else can make a huge turkey dinner as perfectly and with all the elements hot and ready at the same time.

No one else knows that my children really DO get their rebellious streak from their father, b/c she KNOWS that I was NEVER like that!

No one else knows why my father was wearing a blue denim leaisure suit and bow tie to their wedding.

No one  else can remember what is depicted in the solid black painting I created in pre-school. A family? Flowers? Nuclear Fallout? Who knows?

No one else remembers how sorry I was the morning after I decided alcohol was a good idea, or remembers how hard it was to clean the carpet. No one else can confidently say, “Doesn’t your Mother know best?”

No one else wants to hear about every ache and pain I have, or bug me about why I went to the Doctor.

No one else will ever call me Gingersnap or say she “Loves me more than life itself”….no one else will love me like she did.

2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Daddy on June 3, 2009 at 12:42 am

    Beautiful my darling!! And while I do remember one or two of those things mentionned you’re right that no one else could ever replace her. She really did “love you more than life itself and she was so very, very proud of you and who you have become!! 🙂 o x o x o 🙂


  2. Posted by Linsey on May 29, 2009 at 8:29 am

    Thanks for making me cry before 7 in the morning!
    Seriously though, I think this blog is a wonderful tribute to your mom and your relationship to her. Your writing as always is beautiful.


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